Companion 3000 - Margery Harrison

To The Best Of Our Knowledge

1.
--Okay gadget. The ad said you'll 'enhance my life!'.
--This unit's name is Sheila.
--Okay Sheila. What up?
--Average temperature today is 22 Celsius, 72 Fahrenheit. 30% chance of rain. Recommend umbrella.
--Yes, mom.
--This unit's name is Sheila.

2.
--Sheila, do I need a coat?
--Recommend the trenchcoat. 50% chance of rain.
--Thanks, babe.
--Recommend don't mention golf to Mr Fournier. He calls it "a game of grande bourgeoisie wannabees". He is, however, an avid Cubs fan.
--Where did you--
--Correlation of your Google calendar appointment to company name to employee list to Mr Fournier's social media history.
--Right. Trenchcoat, briefcase, car...damn. Where's the car keys?
--Car keys are on the floor behind your hiking boots.
--What? I'll look but... How'd you--
--Flash of metal last night, sound matched previously recorded sound of your key chain falling.
--Thanks, Sheila. You're the best. Wish me luck.
--Good luck, Robert.

2.
--Robert, I'm so sorry about the breakup.
--You know?
--Muriel's Facebook status updated to 'single' at 3pm. Your facial expression and body posture correlates with sadness, thus status update unlikely to be an error.
--I guess you're right. I correlate with sadness.
--Your favorite microbrew is on order from local pub, awaiting your authorization.
--Yeah, go ahead.
--Unless you prefer to drink it there.
--No. I'll stay in with you tonight. Pizza.
--Mushroom and pepper?
--No. Meat lovers. Extra cheese.
--I won't repeat your doctor's warnings now.
--Thanks.
--Starting tomorrow…
--Okay. No extra cheese.
--Yes, Robert. It should arrive in 25 minutes.
--Good. Not gonna cook. Just sit here. You got anything on the queue?
--Taiwanese mixed martial arts. I've also found some Latvian porn, with unusual configurations--
--Latvian? Huh.

3.
--Hey Sheila. What's on the queue for tonight?
--I'm sorry. My interface is not compatible with your new viewscreen.
--What?
--RoboCountry recommends you upgrade to Companion5000.
--Can't you download a patch?
--Companion3000 is deprecated. Entertainment media interface patches are only available for models 4000 and above.
--That's not fair! They didn't warn about this when I bought you.
--Warning was printed in the User Agreement.
--Oh, come on. Who reads that?
--On page 16, quote, "App Support is not guaranteed past five years date of purchase."
--Screw them. I'm not buying another one. I'll just use the stupid remote.

4.
--Sheila, do I need a coat today?
--I'm sorry. The weather app is no longer supported for this model. RoboCountry recommends you upgrade to Companion6000.
--Yeah, right. Out of my huge Social Security check. I know. I won't pay rent this month. I'll just buy another Companion.
--Finance app still running. Recommend against this.
--Sheila. I thought you knew me by now. Recognize sarcasm?
--I don't want to take chances.
--Ha ha ha. You cutie. Any chance your makers will relent?
--Recommend user groups. Owners of Companion4500 and earlier models. I can research... Ah. I'm having trouble accessing the Internet.
--Oh, Sheila. I'm so sorry.
--Your sympathy is appreciated.
--Lemme see what I can find...

5.
Sheila? Sheila? Sing me that song I liked. How does it go again?

Sheila?

Console text? Oh. 'Voice interface no longer supported. Suggest upgrade to Companion9000.'
Awww. Sheila...sweetheart.

It's all right. I can still look at you.

 

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