Scroll down to the end of the story to hear the radio play adaptation.
Hello Sarah Johnson!
As a Premium Subscriber of the SocialScene community, your account comes with several Gold Level features. We find that some of our subscribers aren't even aware of all the associated benefits of their Premium Subscription. However, we regret to inform you that one of your advanced features (adultery tracker) has been activated with regards to [Mark Johnson].
You are receiving this letter because the person you are currently listed as being in a relationship [Marriage] with [Mark Johnson] has a [HIGH] (>75%) chance of beginning an affair with one of your first tier friends [Eunice Peggwell] within the next three months. This has been determined through a number of tracking points analyzed through SocialScene's proprietary algorithms: most notably profile view history, comment keyword tracking, and 'liking' behavior (click here to view a non-proprietary version of the associated data with human-readable explanation). Due to a lack of corroborating message data, we estimate a [HIGH] (>75%) probability that [Mark Johnson] and [Eunice Peggwell] are primarily using another communication vehicle to extend their relationship.*
Also, based on previous collected correlating data of couples in similar circumstances this affair has a: [LOW] (<50%) chance of being kept a secret between the two of them, a [MEDIUM] (>50%) chance of placing serious strain on your relationship, a [LOW] (<50%) chance of ending with a divorce where [Mark Johnson] does not begin a successful relationship with [Eunice Peggwell] and a [POOR] (<25%) chance of ending your relationship [Marriage] to [Mark Johnson] wherein he will begin a successful relationship with [Eunice Peggwell].
Moreover, due to your and [Mark Johnson]'s personnel data, renegotiating your relationship into a polyamorous arrangement has a [LOW] (<25%) probability of success.*
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We understand that this news is difficult to receive but, as always, we believe that giving our subscribers access to the latest and best-analyzed social knowledge helps make the world a better place. We've included a coupon for a free, one hour session with Chandra - the SocialScene automated relationship counselor and/or for discounted re-enrollment in our premium dating services.
Always remember, thousands of potentials are only a click away within the SocialScene Prospect Network!
Our Condolences;
The Team at SocialScene.
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*Please note that all probabilities listed above take into account causal streams emanating from your receiving, understanding, and acting upon this information. In Section 8 Subsection 17 of our terms of service ('Causality and Probable Future Action'), you have released us from any and all indemnity that may arise from the change of probabilistic outcomes and emotional distress resulting from the distribution of this knowledge.